WillTaff's Xanga

Dailybooth.com Where I've been spending most of my time.

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 08:06:54 GMT

Its been two years and bittersweet!

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 06:01:12 GMT

For anyone thats followed me for more than two years you may remember some of my blog entires from when I worked at a boy scout camp. I worked there for three summers from 2005-2007. The time spent there was both some of the best time spent and at moments horribly unhealthy for my own sanity. (my last summer there I was the director of the dining hall, with a staff under me. They FUCKING SUCKED at life!!!! My grandmother died and at her funeral my dad had a heart attack. Neither of them I was able to attend. I ended up in the psychiatric hospital for three days right after that. I did want my life to end but I looked for the help myself. After getting out I returned to work for one more week. The pressure of the job and the family crisis surrounding everything led me to quitting with just two weeks to go. I was not asked to return the following summer and it had been two years since i've stepped foot in the camp.)

Today I went over to the camp to visit some friends that still work there. I was nervous beyond anything I had felt in the longest time. over the last few years i've had dreams about camp. The dreams always started with me in the dark, the dark of the woods. I'm walking through the woods at night when i come upon the camp. All the staff are around a campfire talking, walking around, hanging out. I make my way closer into the light. Either I make myself visible or someone fines me. It turns out ok, the people that where for the most part my friends when I actually worked there welcomed me and was joyous to finally see me again. Others, people I have a feeling hate gays would either not talk to me and walk away or tell me I wasn't welcome there. The dreams did end up turning out ok but I still felt a negative vive from the whole thing. Going to camp today couldn't have gone any better! I would split everyone's reaction into four categories. First, the new people that didn't know me and that I worked there. Second, the ones that didn't like me from before, same old same old, didn't talk to me or blah. Third, the ones that knew me, worked with me, but didn't really care either way. And fourth, the ones that have always been my friends, the ones that care how I'm doing. That last group was way larger than what I expected. Every time I saw someone I knew they would shout out my name and be happy to see me.
I intended to go and hang out with Jenna and Bob and thats what I did. I was able to hang out with them and just chill, kinda just like old times but also not. I felt like I should be working, should be helping, should be on the clock getting somewhere but I also felt like this place finally wasn't my place anymore. Like I said, it went well and i'm happy for that. I plan on going over there a few more times over the summer and possibly seeing some of them over a weekend.

Lets have a gay old time!

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 18:16:24 GMT

To this day I've never seen a picture of me kissing a guy!

To start I have a hard time seeing in my mind what I look like to the people around me from day to day interaction. So than to add in me kissing another guys. (in a comical way) I think it would almost prove to myself I'm gay seeing a pic of me kissing a guy. Like Ha! I knew it, as I'm pointing to myself kissing a guy. LOL

All English and Proper

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 17:27:23 GMT

This boy Jonny I've been crushing on for a while now. He is literally everything I've ever looked for in a guy. I dare never say perfect for no one is perfect but so far he has met every desire I look for. He gardens, lame I know but this being a large part of my life to find another guy with the same understanding, words cant do just. He cooks and bakes, who doesn't like that in a man!? He is a very talented artist!!! Draws and paints! He's tall and handsome, always smiling, up beat, dorky, nerdy, silly. I could honestly see myself living forever with him, growing old, raising a family. I don't ever think that about guys. I usually want to fix this or worry about that. He stands up to everything.

Problem with this being he lives in England. We met over Dailybooth.com where everyday you take a picture and write a comment. If it would have been a different type of website we met over I would be hesitant to let my feelings be so strong. I'm able to see into his life and judge who he is as a person daily. To make our connection stronger we also talk on Skype. Skype for anyone that doesn't know is video/audio chat along with text. I'm able to talk and see this person that lives so far away. It almost makes him real. Hard to hid who you are over video.

I've not told him about my feeling for him, nor has he told me even though I think he shares the same feelings. Part of me doesn't want to admit my feelings because that would make it real. I see it happening more easily us drifting off in different directions continuing on with our own lives. Last night I had a dream that he was in. I was running around a mall trying to save everyone from lord knows what! lol All of a sudden he showed up! And we were cuddling and I think trying to take a nap somewhere in the mall. (it was a dream so of course it wont make sense!) We started Kissing! Thats all we did and all I really wanted to happen. My problem is if I really dont have the strongest feelings for the guy I'm willing to do more. If I have strong feelings its like holding a delicate egg. I'm afraid to do anything for fear I'll loose what I have. Well with him I didn't want to do anymore than kiss. I cant remember the last time I've dreamt about a guy i've been interested in. I only incorporate certain things into my dreams.

(and now were talking on skype at the moment...)

I guess with everything all I can so is take the ride. See what happens with my crazy life. Who ever knows. I have always really for real wanted to live in England... LOL

A self condoned Prison...

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 19:21:35 GMT

I'm home now and totally neutral about the whole thing. I love being back to my garden, trees, birds, fresh air, it all makes it totally worth it. I do feel out of place though. Either friends aren't here because there off having there own lives in other cities while doing school. Or the ones that are here will be going off to school in the fall. They all talk about school as its a continuous process. All I have is to tell the stores from the past. I try and say what my plans are for the future but its not set in stone so its hard to even really explain my dreams. I do have my best friend here but thats another interesting topic.

She's been dating this guy for awhile now. He is the best guy out there and I'm so glad she finally gets the best. She deserves it! Its hard though because I dont want to feel like I'm jumping between them. I want to continue where we leave off. We have that magic between us that we can do that. Not see each other for months but pick up like we were hanging out the night before. I went bowling with Sami (bff), Logan (sami's brother) and matt (the boyfriend). it was a really nice evening. I can see why she's dating him. He is me just straight! There were things I was just about to say but held back, a second later it comes out of his mouth! He's silly, crazy and funny using all my humor. Its the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Glad to know I'm kinda cute straight. LOL
I guess the problem is weighing between seeing my friend and catching up with her and letting her continue what she has going on with her boyfriend. We both love each other as intensely as we can. She's promised that no matter who she dates I will be a part of her life. I know it really wont be a problem with this guy. He's cool and I would like to get to know him. It just needs time.

Idk, its just hard because there is hardly anyone here my age and I feel i'm sentenced myself to a year hard crewel labor. Jobs here are dried up, nothing requesting my services. I guess that keeps me true to my nature, putting myself in impossible positions. Somehow I manage to make it through, but why do I put myself through it!? I guess all I have right now is my garden but thats gone come winter. Depression is killer and that is my greatest fear. Since being home even internet, my connection to the world, has felt dried up, boring, dead. That scares me.

With hopes and prayers may I find guidance!

My best friend in the world, my cat.

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 04:43:00 GMT

My parents keep pushing for me to give away my cat before I move home. To make it even harder tonight I watched a Nature show on cats and dogs and our bonds with them. How do I explain the connection I have with my cat? I sound lame and clingy but its not actually that. We've both grown as a team with each other. When i first got him I set him down in my apartment and I apologized to him. It was the first thing I did. I told him I had never grown up with cats and that i'm learning how to take care of them. I also invited him to get to know me while I get to know him. And through that, we have grown such a bond it could never possibly be split. When I come home after work or school he's right there welcoming me. I have to set down my jacket and book bag, plop down on the chair and have cuddle time with him. He sits right on my chest and gives me little kisses. He's smart, curious, eager, playful, independent, patient, truthful, strong, shy and brave. When I first got him I knew none of this about him and some of those personalities I believe had been hidden away. I adopted him from a no kill cat shelter. They had been keeping him in special care for over a month in-order to renourish him. They believe he was at one point a house cat but got out through a window. He had lost alot of weight and was very shy to the world. (as I type he's finding a place on my lap while he shoves his face between my hands just to get a little love.) He hated with a firey passion being in the shelter with other cats and just needed a place of his own to claim. We were meant to be together.

He has gotten me through some pretty intense times in my life over the past year.

I hope my parents will be somewhat understanding.

What I have to deal with in my APT. (Kinda proud of this letter)

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:54:46 GMT

June 25, 2009
Dear Jamie,
Building Manager,

I live on the first floor apartment XXX, right on the corner of Sheridan and XXX. This morning I was rudely woken by the spray of water from my window. Upon looking at the window from which the spray came from I found water pooled on the window ledge inside and on the window blind. Right outside my window was a maintenance staff watering the shrubs with a water hose. I did not approach him about what had happened.
As I was just sleeping I’m not sure where my cat was at that moment but this is the only way I could possibly explain how this bizarre incident happened. I’ve had a few times in the past where my cat would sit in the window and the maintenance staff would spray water up at the window in attempt to interact or scare my cat. Those times before my windowpane was closed so no water entered my apartment. Now, I would go as far as to say trying to spray a cat with water from a cold garden hose is, to a degree, animal abuse. My cat is already afraid of water, this disregard for an animals wellbeing does not help the situation. Again, I’m not sure if my cat was in the window this time but it does not explain the reasoning as to why water is being sprayed up in the direction of my window.
After approaching Jamie I snapped a few pictures for my own record of what had happened and cleaned up the mess. My thoughts on this situation are as follows; I pay to live in this residence, not be disturbed by what is going on outside my window. I’m unhappy with the disrespect for my property by this staff. What if I were not here to clean up the mess? The water damage could have resulted in a deduction from my deposit. And not to mention my property including electronics and artwork set by this window. I ask that from now on staff refrain from interacting with my cat, staff does not intentionally spray water into my apartment and that a little respect is shown to my property.

My second Incident Report was discussed also with the meeting of Jamie. One evening last week, either the late PM or early AM hours I was disturbed by a maintenance staff. I was watching a show when the staff approached my window and knocked on it. He was wearing the maintenance staff uniform so I did recognize him as someone that works in the building. I was shocked as to why anyone was knocking on my window but even more surprised it was staff of the building. He asked if I could let him into the building because he had either misplaced or forgot his keys inside. I stopped what I was doing, on my own personal time and a private paying resident went out and opened the door for him. Though I do know now it was wrong of me to do so I did let him in.
My thoughts on this situation: as a paying private resident I should not be approached by any of the staff to complete such requests. I’d feel uncomfortable with anyone knocking on my windows at late hours of the night, let alone by the maintenance staff that work in this building. I’m also aware that you do give three let-ins for free before charging. I do think that is wonderful for some other apartments charge upon the first request. I do think though that any, just one, request from a staff to let him in for his misplacement of keys is completely out of line.
I ask that in the future I am not approached in this manner by the maintenance staff. The only time I should be approach by staff is for professional matters, which do have a proper means in which they should be enforced or in the case of an emergency. I just simply ask that I as a resident be left at peace. I pay for these facilities, I shouldn’t be bothered with such problems. This is a nice building and most of the staff show wonderful friendly service and I am very grateful for that. I would like it though if the staff, not showing proper etiquette, be informed as how to properly interact with residents.

Thank you for your time and compassion.

XXX X. XXX
XXXX North Sheridan Road
Apt XXX

773.XXX.XXXX

Its 84 Degrees and I love it!!!!

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 17:37:41 GMT

Its about a week until I'll be moving back to my small town in Northern Wisconsin. But I'm sitting here thinking both Chicago and Park Falls will not really be for me. The only reason I'm moving home is to save money. And even then i'm not sure what kind of jobs i'll find up there. I'm going to try and hit up some friends to see if they can get me an in on some jobs. Wish me luck!

Now for the good old gay thing...
The gay community in Northern Wisconsin is so far back in the closet its practically in Narnia! The only gay guy I know was one of my HS teachers but he's in the closet, 45ish and definitely picked from the sour patch of the garden! He's kinda bitchy and no fun! There are a few other people who I keep on my list as in the closet. This is how i'm going to approach that issue. When I move back home I'm going to be THAT gay kid. You know, the one everyone knows because simply there are no other gay guys around. I'm not going to hide it nor should I. My facebook will be listing me as gay and we'll see where all that goes. I'm pretty sure im going to get one of those messages from a few random people "just wanting to see whats going on"... I'll know there gay, have no one else to voice to, are possible interested, totally dont want anyone else knowing I'm talking to them. I'm fine with being this person that they approach. I didn't have anyone to approach myself that went to school with me but I did have the chance to meet some gay guys through the summer camp I worked at. Because of them I was opened up to a whole world I didn't have access to before. I did promise myself I was not going to date anyone in the closet and I dont plan on starting now. I just want to be a way of connection to the gay community I had a chance to participate in. Plus I'm going to need to do some of my own venting myself.

I've started the big clean on facebook. Say goodbye to those people you only added because they added you because they saw you at this one party this one time for 5 minutes. Cleaning out those people who friended you but turned out to be completely psycho and or stocker-ish! Never to see those boys who randomly added you who you've never met and have never since talked to. Moving on from Annoying fucks and clingy bitches. Sometimes I do wish it would notify people you've deleted them. Or even able to add a little going away message. "See you around fuck tards!" I'm not normally this conniving but some of these people i've so badly wanted to delete but couldn't because i had to keep up face with them so I had some sort of social standing here in chicago. Yes, I played a little of that game and dont tell me any of you guys havent either. If you dont kiss a little ass you wont get anywhere. And let me tell you it did get me a few places I wouldn't even been able to dream about. But now its time to move on, live my own life. Away from the city, the gays, the drama. Starting after next week i'm going to live a simpler life!!!

Boys I've got a photo website to share with you! (no its not that kind...)

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 06:58:49 GMT

http://dailybooth.com/WillTaff

So umm this has been the website thats eaten up my life for the last few months. I am sorry I dont post more often. But I've always been slow to type anyways and this website allows for me to voice myself in a different way. I really do recommend you guys check it out and if you like maybe even sign up yourself!

Its a website where every day you post a picture of yourself. Its not a task, its something I actually look forward to doing. After you have your picture taken you post a comment that goes along with it. Telling about the day, how your feeling, whats new, general questions you may have for other. While your doing this others can follow you. They can than add comments. And yet another social website is started! It has been the greatest thing i've participated in the longest time. I've gotten to know people from ALL OVER THE WORLD! And best of all I've gotten really close to a guy and girl from England!!! The girl is AMAZING and I kinda fancy the guy... (I'll blog about him later) Anyway, the point is, this has opened literally the world to me. I cant describe it!

A letter to you guys!... (ish)

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 06:37:37 GMT

This was a letter I wrote to someone but it basically was going to be what I write about so I copied it.

It is very clear that I have NO clue what turns I'll be taking within the next three years of my life! lol Its hard to grasp but I literally have no idea! School, jobs, where I'll be living, what direction I want to go with life really.

I hope I had told you I changed to American Sign Language. But with that decision I've found that CCC is WAY to expensive for going for ASL. Well I had looked at getting into RIT Rochester Institute of Technology in upstate Rochester NY. When trying to apply I found that that I was to late to apply for the fall semester. (missed it by one week) :~/ I than tried to get into the spring semester but they dont except people for the spring semester... SO Im stuck with taking off the next year. I think I had told you I'll be moving back home because, surprise surprise, Chicago is not the city for me. Haha to big, no nature, dont like the people...

So yes, the move home... LOL NEVER thought I would be doing that. But I need to do it. Move back home, save up money (and by that I mean pay off some debt...) lol but hey, free rent and free food! Plus I get my garden back! Which has seen better days, love my mother she tries but my garden needs some major overhaul. It doesn't look like the job market is any better up there but I'll find something to work. Which could possibly lead into my next plan.

This was actually an idea I wanted to look into starting last year but with what was my career goal wasn't really possible. But now I have an entire year where i'm not dedicated to anything, no school, rent/lease, dont have a job contract. Its a great opportunity to try out a dream. I've looked into getting a job working on a cruise ship. I've done all kinds of research both internet and books from the library, asked like EVERYONE if anyone has any contacts, really want to go for this. I figured that if I can have a "free pass" to try almost any option I should do it now as long as I have the time and dont have to start a real world big boy career yet. Only things holding me back is finding the job and getting hired. This shit economy will not favor me. I do go both ways with this though. If I do get hired I think it will be the greatest chance in a lifetime and actually if I really liked it I wouldn't have a problem doing it for a few years. That is if the pay is good enough, I love the job, everything goes great. I'm actually fine with that. The down fall is I'd be putting off school. But my friend talked with me and said she wasn't really ready for school when she got out of HS. So she took a break and is now going back to school at age 34. (I think that could be possible, not really being ready for school, not being serious about it.) If I dont get the job i'd have to get a job here on land. Though it wouldn't be as exciting, it would allow me to work, chances are I'ed go back to school by the end of the year.

I know thats all alot, going in every direction but I'm just as lost. I've never been someone to go through life in a "normal" way. I wouldn't expect myself to change now! LOL How do you tell someone you want a job that fits my personality? Do they make jobs like that? lol if they do, send it my way! lol

umm so yeah, I have a week and like 3 days here in chicago. End of the month really. I've got only two more shifts at work!!! WOOP WOOP!!! AND!!!! Im using up 20.5 hours of paid vacation and 16 hours of paid personal days!!!!! LOL I dont think i've ever had the chance to be paid to not work! America is beautiful!!! lol Pride is the last weekend so its pride, pack, clean and head home all in one weekend.. Not going to be fun! LOL though I tell everyone that pride this year is actually my own personal going away party! lol now thats a hell of a party! :D

Hows your summer going? Kevin told me greg and him visited last weekend. How did that go? Ready to quit do to your staff yet!? lol jk. But yeah, how is all that going?

So I'm a member of this rather interesting website.
http://dailybooth.com/WillTaff

Everyday I take a picture of myself to kinda document changes... Idk, its just fun. I've gotten to know some cool people from all over the world through it and have made two really good friends from England! I guess on your next rainy day at camp and you have nothing else to do you can check out whats all up in my life! lol Its all as random as of course my life is! lol