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WillTaff
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Name: Will
Gender: Male
Interests: Mother Nature, Sports, Laughter, Coffee, Photography, Science, Art, Plant Study, Rain Storms, Bees, and more about me later.
Expertise: Making people smile, gardening, photography, cooking, traveling...
Occupation: College Student
Industry: Building the great minds
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
5/16/2007
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| For anyone thats followed me for more than two years you may remember some of my blog entires from when I worked at a boy scout camp. I worked there for three summers from 2005-2007. The time spent there was both some of the best time spent and at moments horribly unhealthy for my own sanity. (my last summer there I was the director of the dining hall, with a staff under me. They FUCKING SUCKED at life!!!! My grandmother died and at her funeral my dad had a heart attack. Neither of them I was able to attend. I ended up in the psychiatric hospital for three days right after that. I did want my life to end but I looked for the help myself. After getting out I returned to work for one more week. The pressure of the job and the family crisis surrounding everything led me to quitting with just two weeks to go. I was not asked to return the following summer and it had been two years since i've stepped foot in the camp.)
Today I went over to the camp to visit some friends that still work there. I was nervous beyond anything I had felt in the longest time. over the last few years i've had dreams about camp. The dreams always started with me in the dark, the dark of the woods. I'm walking through the woods at night when i come upon the camp. All the staff are around a campfire talking, walking around, hanging out. I make my way closer into the light. Either I make myself visible or someone fines me. It turns out ok, the people that where for the most part my friends when I actually worked there welcomed me and was joyous to finally see me again. Others, people I have a feeling hate gays would either not talk to me and walk away or tell me I wasn't welcome there. The dreams did end up turning out ok but I still felt a negative vive from the whole thing. Going to camp today couldn't have gone any better! I would split everyone's reaction into four categories. First, the new people that didn't know me and that I worked there. Second, the ones that didn't like me from before, same old same old, didn't talk to me or blah. Third, the ones that knew me, worked with me, but didn't really care either way. And fourth, the ones that have always been my friends, the ones that care how I'm doing. That last group was way larger than what I expected. Every time I saw someone I knew they would shout out my name and be happy to see me.
I intended to go and hang out with Jenna and Bob and thats what I did. I was able to hang out with them and just chill, kinda just like old times but also not. I felt like I should be working, should be helping, should be on the clock getting somewhere but I also felt like this place finally wasn't my place anymore. Like I said, it went well and i'm happy for that. I plan on going over there a few more times over the summer and possibly seeing some of them over a weekend. | | |
| To this day I've never seen a picture of me kissing a guy!
To start I have a hard time seeing in my mind what I look like to the people around me from day to day interaction. So than to add in me kissing another guys. (in a comical way) I think it would almost prove to myself I'm gay seeing a pic of me kissing a guy. Like Ha! I knew it, as I'm pointing to myself kissing a guy. LOL | | |
| This boy Jonny I've been crushing on for a while now. He is literally everything I've ever looked for in a guy. I dare never say perfect for no one is perfect but so far he has met every desire I look for. He gardens, lame I know but this being a large part of my life to find another guy with the same understanding, words cant do just. He cooks and bakes, who doesn't like that in a man!? He is a very talented artist!!! Draws and paints! He's tall and handsome, always smiling, up beat, dorky, nerdy, silly. I could honestly see myself living forever with him, growing old, raising a family. I don't ever think that about guys. I usually want to fix this or worry about that. He stands up to everything.
Problem with this being he lives in England. We met over Dailybooth.com where everyday you take a picture and write a comment. If it would have been a different type of website we met over I would be hesitant to let my feelings be so strong. I'm able to see into his life and judge who he is as a person daily. To make our connection stronger we also talk on Skype. Skype for anyone that doesn't know is video/audio chat along with text. I'm able to talk and see this person that lives so far away. It almost makes him real. Hard to hid who you are over video.
I've not told him about my feeling for him, nor has he told me even though I think he shares the same feelings. Part of me doesn't want to admit my feelings because that would make it real. I see it happening more easily us drifting off in different directions continuing on with our own lives. Last night I had a dream that he was in. I was running around a mall trying to save everyone from lord knows what! lol All of a sudden he showed up! And we were cuddling and I think trying to take a nap somewhere in the mall. (it was a dream so of course it wont make sense!) We started Kissing! Thats all we did and all I really wanted to happen. My problem is if I really dont have the strongest feelings for the guy I'm willing to do more. If I have strong feelings its like holding a delicate egg. I'm afraid to do anything for fear I'll loose what I have. Well with him I didn't want to do anymore than kiss. I cant remember the last time I've dreamt about a guy i've been interested in. I only incorporate certain things into my dreams.
(and now were talking on skype at the moment...)
I guess with everything all I can so is take the ride. See what happens with my crazy life. Who ever knows. I have always really for real wanted to live in England... LOL | | |
| I'm home now and totally neutral about the whole thing. I love being back to my garden, trees, birds, fresh air, it all makes it totally worth it. I do feel out of place though. Either friends aren't here because there off having there own lives in other cities while doing school. Or the ones that are here will be going off to school in the fall. They all talk about school as its a continuous process. All I have is to tell the stores from the past. I try and say what my plans are for the future but its not set in stone so its hard to even really explain my dreams. I do have my best friend here but thats another interesting topic.
She's been dating this guy for awhile now. He is the best guy out there and I'm so glad she finally gets the best. She deserves it! Its hard though because I dont want to feel like I'm jumping between them. I want to continue where we leave off. We have that magic between us that we can do that. Not see each other for months but pick up like we were hanging out the night before. I went bowling with Sami (bff), Logan (sami's brother) and matt (the boyfriend). it was a really nice evening. I can see why she's dating him. He is me just straight! There were things I was just about to say but held back, a second later it comes out of his mouth! He's silly, crazy and funny using all my humor. Its the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Glad to know I'm kinda cute straight. LOL
I guess the problem is weighing between seeing my friend and catching up with her and letting her continue what she has going on with her boyfriend. We both love each other as intensely as we can. She's promised that no matter who she dates I will be a part of her life. I know it really wont be a problem with this guy. He's cool and I would like to get to know him. It just needs time.
Idk, its just hard because there is hardly anyone here my age and I feel i'm sentenced myself to a year hard crewel labor. Jobs here are dried up, nothing requesting my services. I guess that keeps me true to my nature, putting myself in impossible positions. Somehow I manage to make it through, but why do I put myself through it!? I guess all I have right now is my garden but thats gone come winter. Depression is killer and that is my greatest fear. Since being home even internet, my connection to the world, has felt dried up, boring, dead. That scares me.
With hopes and prayers may I find guidance! | | |
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